The way I treat myself

I have been so mean to myself. I have spent so much time scrutinizing and judging myself for every little thing that it’s become such a mental habit to put myself down. I’ve been told I’m a nurturing person, very sweet and thoughtful….and I do have a love for giving, but when it comes to me, I always put myself on the back burner.
I admit, I do happen to be the type of person that puts the spider from the dusty corner of the house into a jar and takes it outside to let it free. Summer is the worst too because if a fly gets in the house, I’ll literally hold open the door and shoo it out if my bug-bag-catcher abilities fail, but I could never kill the darn thing. Bugs disgust me and I whole heartedly believe that other than me, my sister, our food and plants – there should be no living creatures or organisms in our home- unless we invite them through the front door, of course. (and maybe the bacteria necessary for humans to maintain a healthy immune system. Germaphobes… -insert cringe here-). But my disgust with creepy crawlies is still irrelevant because I was raised to believe that all forms of life have value- no matter how big or small, significant to me or disgusting to me, it doesn’t matter. But I often forget about the value of my life, as crazy as that may sound, it’s true.

I was in on a phone call today with a friend and had a powerful realization. I’ve learned that you teach people how to treat you, and one of those ways is how you treat yourself. Now, this is not a new concept for me. I actually understood this on an intellectual level, but as many of us know, knowing on an intellectual level and really knowing something as part of your being are two different things. How can I feel bad about being forgotten when I constantly forget myself and put myself last? How can I complain about being judged and criticized when internally that’s all I do? We all have a voice in our head that talks to our self and it’s often a negative one. I’ve been so afraid of making mistakes and doing things wrong that I’ve created this immense amount of stress and pressure for myself, and it’s not necessary. I’m human and I’m not perfect. Having said that, now that I’m more aware I can begin to make changes.

I started to think about what I want for the world and what I hope more of humanity would be….but how can I want people to be self empowered and confident when I’m not? After all, it was master Mahatma Gandhi who said to “be the change you wish to see in the world”. And like one of my heroes- MJ said, “I’m starting with the man in the mirror”…and indeed I shall. er… rather start with the woman in the mirror!

I’m feeling rather uplifted and inspired today, and in keeping a commitment to being kinder to myself, I’ve decided to treat myself with a super simple yet delish dessert. I call it ‘Mandy’s bowl of summer sweetness’! Um, well not so much since I just made the name up…….but I’ll work on the name later.

All you need is:

Two generous scoops of vanilla icecream
Sliced strawberries
Honey drizzled all over the top.
Enjoy!

Wake me up when September ends?

It’s interesting how so many people dread the start of September because it means that summer is coming to an end and school begins next week. Long summer nights and Sundays spent hungover come to a slow and academic focus and mundane routine kicks in for many. I wish I was starting school next week…my heart breaks a little to know I have to wait a whole year to go back.. I love Sheridan to pieces and I’ll miss being surrounded by my friends and art students scattered in the halls, and the close knit community feel that college has. But I also know that it’s not the end…the nerd in me has unfinished business and will get er’ done come next September!

I am, however super stoked that summer is coming to an end and my favourite season is just around the corner. The days where the cool crisp air invites you to take long walks where you feel the leaves crunch beneath your feet, where you can admire the natural transition of nature, where you can watch the sun set and sip tea and just gaze into the distance and dream about whatever….

Here’s to new beginnings in September. Let’s make it count while it lasts.

summer weekend adventures

They say when you’re in love, everything is more beautiful.

Well I’m not in love with anyone, but I am in the beginning stages of falling back in love with life, which in my opinion – is the beginning of something beautiful. I’ve been feeling randomly awestruck by the littlest things and completely and totally thankful for this time in my life to set my priorities straight and start to implement small changes into my life subtly allow me to start living the life I want to create.

Last weekend was Caribana weekend here in Toronto and I decided I didn’t really care to go to the parade after all, as I learned my lesson 3 years ago…but I did however go to the Irie festival with Nicole and new friend Kerry. It was a huge party downtown and there was a lot of caribbean food, music, and people dancing everywhere. There was also a free concert where a soca artist named Gyptian performed, which was a total surprise to me. I enjoyed being around all the culture as it brought back personal memories from way back when. Afterwards we headed back to the Danforth for late night souvlaki and then stayed at this yogi’s house who was away on vacay (Nicole was cat sitting and had the entire house to herself, and so we stayed over too and had a little girls night.) Here’s a random pic of Luna the cat who Nicole affectionately calls alien baby because she’s a hairless cat with the bulgiest bright eyes…she’s literally so ugly that she’s cute, although she looks possessed in this picture:

The house itself was so beautiful filled with trinkets and treasures in every area, with the coolest books on esoteric anatomy, yoga, aroma therapy, and spirituality. We ended the night by lighting some candles on the flower petal covered porch, stargazing and smoking kush in the silence of the night. Amazingness.

Today went to an organic farmer’s market for the first time. There’s one five minutes away from my house and I’ve been meaning to go forever and today I finally did. Holy sweet goodness have I been missing out. I can’t get over the fact that I’ve lived here for almost two years and I haven’t been there once. It was so much bigger than I expected and had a really sunny, bright and cozy community feel which was really cool… and I got a bunch of fresh organic goodies for an amazing price. I love feeling like I live in a little village, but it’s still in Toronto. I also randomly invited some family over and spent the majority of the day with them and picnicking at a park. It sounds so cliche, but the best things in life really are for free.

Minimalistic tendencies and handy DIY projects

Holy shit, where did July go???

It feels like forever since my last blog post. Oh how I’ve missed you bloggy blog. So it’s been about two weeks and it honestly just flew right on by. Between classes, portfolio workings, social commitments and self development/care, life has felt more busy in this short amount of time over these past few weeks, so the the balance of everything is constantly a challenge.

I’m a little late on the spring cleaning deal and have been feeling like just clearing out absolutely everything, getting rid of unused things that are no longer needed. I’ve constantly been rearranging things and organizing stuff all over my house. I guess I’ve given permission to the minimalist in me to take over for a while and to just go nuts. I love spaciousness and uncluttered surroundings. My inspired state of mind often thrives on simplicity. I find when things get stressful, my space starts to get really cluttered, reflecting my mental state of mind and I just become frazzled and uninspired. Your home truly is a reflection of you. Also, a lot of my life depends on my creativity so if I’m not feelin’ my space where I create and do the majority of my work, everything else in my life tends to suffers for it. So I started putting together my art easel that I’ve had for about 2 years…and finally assembled it myself while I watched the final game of the Fifa worldcup. (Woooh Espanaaa!!!)

Here are a few pics:

Voila. All done and ready to create my future masterpieces!

I also went to IKEA and bought a new desk, assembled it and moved it into my room. I’ve been loving all this work having to do with tools, putting things together, making small repairs and fixing random things around the house. Not to mention do-it-yourself projects are super rewarding. All of these handy workings took me back to being 6 and wishing I had a Fisher Price tool shed that came with a set of tools and all those handy projects to work on. Sort of a useless and random dream but nonetheless, purely fun. My room is the one that’s still a little all over the place, as it’s quite typically that of a student with rolls of paper and stacks of books and clothes everywhere… but it’s slowly coming together, so by the end of the summer I’m hoping it’ll feel more like a room rather than a grungy, dark dorm room. Cheers to all the do-it-yourself women out there!

The Invitation

K, so I came across this cool poem and had to share it. I find it really resonates with me and my attitude… and I love how it’s so gracefully written. AND it was written by a Canadian author! I love it even more after finding that out.

It amazes me every time when I’m not even consciously looking for something, somehow I mysteriously stumble upon something so fitting for the moment. Oh how awe inspiring life can be..

The Invitation
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love, for your dream,
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from the fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic,
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
if you can hear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see
Beauty even when it is not pretty every day.
I want to know if you can live with failure,
Yours or mine,
and still stand at the edge of the lake and
shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me to know
where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done
for the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah Mountain Dreamer
© 1995 by Oriah House, from “Dreams Of Desire”

End of the week ramble

I’m happy this week is coming to an end. Tis’ a happy Friday! Not that it wasn’t any good but the heat wave seemed to be driving everyone nuts, which in turn has been driving me nuts from having to constantly hear how hot it is everywhere I go. Yes it’s summer. It’s hot. There’s a heat wave. Now that the obvious has been stated and overstated, let’s focus on keeping cool and move on….(Okay, sooo we all get a little agitated in this weather…)

I was right about my last post. The past few days have been a lot better. It’s weird because I’ve been living alone for the summer, but since school officially ended I’ve been feeling like there’s so much to do and I’ve been super busy trying to balance everything out. It’s ironic that I’ve been feeling it’s so important to actually wake up early and start my day specifically (writing, meditation, make and actually eat breakfast etc) whereas before I knew it was important, but didn’t make the consistent effort to just get it done. I guess because I’m living in complete solitude now, I feel more responsible to accomplish things that I’ve been meaning to do. Of course it could go either way, and I could take procrastination to a whole level, but I’m actually proud of myself for not going there. I’ve made a commitment to myself to make this time that I have, productive and finally ground myself so that I’m more in alignment with life.

I’ve sort of developed this shell of seriousness over the past few years because of everything that happened, and it’s really affected my work. So right now I’m rediscovering my jovial sense of self that has always been there, and giving it permission to exude its colourful character more and more. In this industry, although I’m still a student, I understand that creativity is everything. You can have great work ethic and be great at networking, but if you’ve lost your creativity in the mix, then it can be really difficult to be successful as an artist. It’s really not uncommon for a lot of creative people and artists to go through periods of creative block. Keeping this in mind, I’ve been in a state of creative recovery (hence the start of this whole blogging thing). Also in my spare time, I’ve been doing my best to do little things for my self that help nourish my soul and help me get back into the creative flow.

I’m getting back into my natural skin care regime also, and so I’ve started doing face masks and I love what this one does for my skin. It’s super simple and really works at keeping your skin soft, even and healthy.

Honey Banana Face mask:

-Mash up a quarter of a banana.
-Add 2 table spoons of honey.
-Add 2 tablespoons of yogurt. (optional)
-Stir all ingriedients together, and apply evenly all over face and neck.
-Leave on for 15-30 minutes.
-Wash off with warm water, then cool water to close your pores.

Enjoy the smooth soft-as-a-baby’s-bottom effect!

This mask is really great for dry or sensitive skin. And apparently bananas and honey are really good for your complexion, prevents wrinkles and bananas have a lot of nutrients that your skin absorbs! The simplest things are really the best.

Sorting through the mess

I’ve been lacking that prep in my step as of late, and today wasn’t my favourite of days, let’s just say. Not very happy today as I was in my head a lot and couldn’t really get as much done as I wanted to, due to all the distractions and decisions I’m going to have to make in the next little while. I’ve been very emotionally inconsistent with things and people lately, and been re-evaluating my relationships with people and what they mean and it’s all sort of been very confusing and I’m indecisive about it. I can’t stand it. I just don’t want to make the wrong decision. Sometimes I get so frustrated with making efforts with people and not seeing any progress can be quite disheartening…Sometimes I tend to exhaust myself with over thinking it all, wondering if I’m doing all I can, and what I can do better, especially in this one of many particular situations where I’m wondering if I’m doing the right thing in trying to salvage the relationship, if it’s even worth it. I recently permanently ended things with one of my good friends, which was very hard to do as she didn’t make it easy (sometimes being 28 emotionally, and dealing with a 19 year old can really be frustrating..) – but I guess sometimes it comes to a point where enough is enough, and people just have go their separate ways.

This day has made me so sleepy, that I took a long ass nap when i got home, and now I’m feeling guilty about over sleeping…ugh. Sometimes I just get so tired of feeling this emotionally winded that I think I subconsciously oversleep so that I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I’m just glad it’s not so bad as it has been in the past – remembering what it once was compared to now is vastly so different, so really I shouldn’t even complain. I feel like once I sort through this mixture of unhappy feelings, my low spirits will begin to rise, and i don’t feel like that’s too far away.

I really just want to curl up and get lost in a movie right now, so I’ll get to that. Here’s to hoping tomorrow is a lighter day.

Happy birthday Canada!

Well people, Canada Day has come and gone. Yesterday marked the 143rd birthday of my country, which is a pretty cool, considering the fact that 143 means ‘I love you’ in the land of my short-forms-for-(almost)-everything-generation. Sort of a cool coincidence and I seemed to get a kick out of this random finding.

I started the day off with a spontaneous mindset of not knowing how I was going to spend the day, only that I wanted to catch the fireworks later on. I ended up going over to visit some family and spent some time with my two little cousins. They live in such a beautiful house in Toronto, with a massive backyard that’s like a little haven of it’s own. It’s so old and has so much character, that it’s sort of always reminded me of The Secret Garden and I always enjoyed basking in the beautiful space over the years. It was nice to spend some time with my kiddies whom I absolutely adore. There’s just something so special about the the spirit of children that always leaves me a little more cheerful after being around them. Gosh, the things I would’ve given to have had a source of consistent unconditional love as a child…but nonetheless I’m more than happy to be able to be that for some else, which always makes me feel better. Here are some pics of my day:

I feel like all the greats died too young…

There was definitely a bittersweet tone that carried throughout the day as people remembered Michael Jackson for the 1 year anniversary of his death. First of all…it’s still surreal to me that it’s been one year already.It’s crazy. I think people will always remember where they were and what they were doing when they found out the news. It’s just one of those moments. At least I know I will.

When I found out I was actually taking a nap at home, (I don’t even know why I was taking a random nap in the middle of the day…but anyway…) and happened to be in that half asleep/half-awake state when I heard mumblings through the wall of my sister in the other room on the phone saying how she just couldn’t believe it. Something didn’t feel right and I remember I just jumped up and refreshed my facebook page, and the first status I saw was “R.I.P Michael Jackson.” Absolutely appalled I rushed out of my room as if there was a fire and the house had to be immediately evacuated… and there it was on tv – the unofficial news headline stating that Michael Jackson went into cardiac arrest and was rushed the the hospital. At that point I immediately started crying. Whether it was official or not, I knew he was dead. It seemed like the most dramatic thing ever, and I was surprised at the strong reaction in myself. Even my sister didn’t expect it and actually got off the phone to take it in a little more seriously.

Like so many others on the planet can relate, Michael Jackson was someone that’s had a huge affect on my life and has been such a prevalent figure in my childhood. My father is actually responsible for that, because he was the ultimate MJ fan, as his love for music, singing and dancing was pretty much because of Michael Jackson. Not to mention his voice was eerily similar to Michael’s, so naturally I felt like I grew up with him and made happy associations with him and my father. Some of my best memories with my father included the house being filled with MJ music often, watching Moon Walker, and listening to my Dad singing his songs all the time…

It’s funny because I used to get so annoyed at my Dad’s frequent ramblings about MJ’s unique artistry and rare giftedness. There was even more annoyance at the fact that the first half of my baby video is about 2 hours of the making of We Are the World video. I’m dead serious. I wouldn’t say he was obsessed at all, but just in constant awe over his talent and how misunderstood he was by the world. But at the same time, it was like…. come on now….weren’t we important enough that you could have bought a new tape for our baby video or at least put us on the first half of the tape so that we could feel just a tad more important? Jeeeez. But anyway…

There aren’t enough words I can think of to describe how special Michael Jackson was and how much he meant to me. He really was larger than life. It’s really unfortunate that he wasn’t alive to feel or see the love everyone seems to now has for him. It’s almost as if a new appreciation has emerged for his talent and gift to the world, that it could only be truly realized once he was gone. It’s pretty tragic it had to be that way. I guess it really is true – that you don’t know what you’ve got until you’ve lost it. It really makes me think of a lot of other things, big and small that we take for granted and don’t always take the time to appreciate what’s really important and the people we care about. Life really is short and only until you lose someone whose had a profound impact on your life or you were close to, is it then that you realize how much it/they really meant to you.

Regardless, he will always be remembered by the countless lives he’s touched around the world and his legacy will live on through his music forever. So with that being said, I think I’m going to go watch Moonwalker – one of my childhood favourites that I haven’t seen in ages.

R.I.P Michael Jackson. You are greatly missed.

A Pixar perfect weekend

The weekend has come and gone and with the MMVA’s going on this past Sunday, there were some big names in town… and from an aspiring animator’s perspective-Pixar was no exception.

So they asked us not to blog about it….and for that reason I’m not going to give away too much, but I do want to share some of my experience. I was fortunate enough to attend a 2 day masterclass taught by Pixar. They travel the world teaching this class so I was beyond excited and literally didn’t sleep at all the night before..,(yeah…I know I’m a dork). I was a little nervous, not really knowing what to expect and especially wondering if it’s appropriate for me to even go, since I’m really in the beginning stages of the whole thing and still have a long way to go. But the opportunity came up randomly and I wasn’t sure if anything like this would ever come up again so I decided to go. After all, if luck really is when preparation meets opportunity, then I will be a very “lucky” girl….

I have to say the whole thing was very interesting and I learned so much. The first day was more about the process, technical stages and what Pixar really looks for. A lot of good examples and references were used and it was even cool to see how parts of recent movies were made, like Toy Story 3. They literally crammed so much in the first day that we just barely got through it all before our time was up for the day and I was so exhausted from the overload of information-(mind you 8 hours of class with no sleep the previous night will do that to you).

The second day was a little more relaxing and was taught by a storyboard artist who comes from 3 generations of his family’s company called Jeffrey’s Toy store-from California. The lessons of the day were focused on how to come up with creative ideas and write great stories when making animated films, and he gave us the lo-down on what they really look for in a good demo reel. Basically Pixar focuses on animated films that have great stories and appeal to as many people in as many different age ranges as possible. Like ‘Up’ for instance. That movie was very entertaining for kids but the story line was so emotional and moving, which helped it appeal to adults as well. The second day was great too because it was more engaging, and participative. It was cool too because I learned a lot of exercises that they actually use on a day to day basis.

A funny thing happened–I ran into my teacher….which is totally ironic because I actually had class that day.. but skipped it to go to this Pixar class. Everyone knows that these situations (seeing your teacher in public) tends to have such great potential for awkward moment.. but he was totally cool. Of course it does help that he’s a super cool kid like myself…which probably had everything to do with it not being awkward. Just kidding. All in all the experience was very exciting and I’m so thrilled I got a chance to learn from some of the best in the industry.

Today happens to be the first official day of summer. Is it just me or is it crazy that 2010 is more than halfway over? Jeez, time just seems to fly by more and more. One of my besties from middle school just got married and it was an absolute trip to know that so much time has passed…and she’s already married. I love to see people’s progress and growth. Here’s to new beginnings and a great summer of discovery and adventures. Cheers people!